Managers
by Alzrius
Summary: Keitaro is stuck watching Haruka's Tea Shop, while his two stoner friends hang out outside.


Managers

Alzrius

Disclaimer: Love Hina is not mine, but if anyone is interested in purchasing a slightly-used soul, I'd be willing to make a trade.

* * *

Hinata Tea House had always stood in contrast to Hinata Sou. Where the latter building was large and often noisy with the antics of its residents, the tea shop was small and quiet, seemingly content to bask in the shadow of its larger counterpart. The customers who went there were mostly regulars, ordinary people who appreciated the quiet atmosphere and ambiance that pervaded the small eatery.

Today, however, that ambiance was being shattered by the substitute manager behind the counter.

"Pararakelse?!" shouted Keitaro in the phone. "Seta, what's she doing in Pararakelse?!"

He paused for a moment as his part-time employer jovially explained the situation to him, before he broke out in more half-panicked yelling. "Yes I know she's with you! But Haruka said that she just needed me to watch the shop for a few hours this morning! It's already 1:30! I have cram school and a study session later today! How am I supposed to attend them if I'm stuck here watching her store?!"

Another few moments of listening to Seta offer useless advice was enough to make Keitaro explode. "I'm not even supposed to be here today!!! I- hello? Hello???"

His shoulders sagging as he realized that Seta's cell phone had lost the connection, Keitaro sighed as he hung the phone up. Great, just great, now what was he going to do?

* * *

Humming as she walked up the steps towards Hinata Sou, Mutsumi smiled at the thought of surprising Keitaro. Although she hadn't visited this place since it had been an Inn, back when she was very young, it already felt familiar to her. As much as she wanted to just wander around and enjoy the nostalgia though, she quickened her pace, eager to surprise Keitaro at the Tea House.

As she ascended to the large landing that the Tea House was on and headed toward it, she slowed down as she noticed a pair of…odd-looking people outside. Both were young men with glasses dressed in t-shirts with large, ratting-looking coats hanging over them, and bagging jeans. The taller of the two wore a winter-cap that clung to his head tightly, with a bit of it sticking up. Despite his height, he seemed quite skinny, giving the impression that he was small. Beside him was a short but noticeably fat young man, wearing a baseball cap turned backwards.

Having paused at the sight of the unsavory-looking pair, who had yet to notice her, Mutsumi mentally chastised herself for being put off by their appearance. It was always terrible to judge people by how they looked, after all. And besides, if they were allowed to hang out (for they appeared to just be loitering) outside the Tea House, they had to be good people.

Putting a smile back on as she walked towards them, Mutsumi raised her hand in greeting. "Ah, hello."

The taller of the two, who had been saying something to the smaller man, whipped his head around at hearing someone. His reaction upon seeing Mutsumi was immediate as his eyes dropped to her chest. "Holy fuck! Dude, look at the size of those things! Shit, those can't be real!" The fat guy, who was smoking an odd-smelling cigarette and also eyeing her bust with an awed expression, nodded in assent.

Falling back at the loud and blatant comment about her sexuality, Mutsumi covered her chest with her arms instinctively, a worried look flashing across her features. Were these two molesters?

Realizing how put off she looked, the fat guy elbowed the tall skinny guy roughly, which prompted him to face his friend with a frown. "What? What the fuck's up with you?" His question was answered as the other young man gesticulated towards Mutsumi, trying to convey nonverbally towards the distraught expression on her face.

Somehow, the other guy picked up on it, appearing marginally chagrinned. "Ah fuck. Sorry about that hottie, but it's just, you know: damn. Something about this place just draws all the best pussy from all over Japan, you know what I'm sayin'? And now it's apparently bringing in the best hooters too."

Completely stunned by the blatant rudeness, Mutsumi could only stand there, totally nonplussed as the grungy-looking man spoke. "I'm Hai, and this is my hetero life-partner, Silent Shi." The fat guy waved cordially as he was introduced. Mutsumi goggled at the odd names. "Yes," and "Silent Death"???

"So sweetness, can I interest you in a little blunt chronic goodness?" Hai kept talking without missing a beat. "We have the best shit this side of Thailand, and for a sweet piece of ass like you, we'll totally cut you a discount. Ain't that right bento?" Glancing over at his friend quickly, Hai gave Mutsumi a smooth grin as his friend nodded vigorously.

For Mutsumi, this was just too much. She had no idea what this guy was talking about, but it was obviously something...offensive. She opened her mouth to try to say that thank you, no, she wasn't interested, and just wanted to go inside the Tea House to see her friend, but she found that the words wouldn't come. In fact, standing was becoming hard altogether, as was keeping her eyes open. As she pitched backwards, Mutsumi's last thought was to be worried that she'd worn a skirt that day.

Hai blinked, eyes wide behind his glasses as he watched the girl pass out. Turning to Shi, he asked the first question that came to mind. "What the fuck! Dude, did you fart?"

Shi, however, wasn't paying attention. At first eyeing the unconscious woman's chest, his eyes widened and he started gesturing wildly to Hai. "What? What's up man?" As Shi pointed to the prone woman and held his hands in front of his chest, making exaggerated breathing motions, Hai tried to guess what he was saying. "Yeah, man, I already saw that she has great tits. I just hope she's not stuffing her bra or anything. Only skanky chicks do that, though they're usually the ones who put out."

Pausing as Shi shook his head, an alarmed look on his face as he put two fingers to his throat and then pointed at the girl, Hai slowly began to put the pieces together. "Wait…dude, is she fucking dead?!" Beginning to become alarmed as Shi nodded rapidly, Hai yanked his hat in front of his head and held it in front of his nose and mouth. "Dude, what the fuck did you eat today?!"

Slapping Hai across the back of the head, Shi pointed to the corpse again, clearly indicating that they had to do something. Hai shook his head in reply, "I dunno man, what do people usually do when a hot chick just drops dead?" The two paused at that, trying to think, which was a difficult labor indeed for them. After a record-setting thirty seconds of silence, Hai turned to his friend, face screwed up in a look of concentration as he voiced an existential question. "Like, if someone did her when she's like this, and then brought her back with CPR or some shit like that, would that be…fuck, what's the word…necrophobia?"

Rolling his eyes, Shi was about to deliver another slap to the back of his friend's empty head when the door to the Tea House slammed open, revealing an angry Keitaro. "Damn it, I told you guys to keep it down! It's- hey, Mutsumi-san?!" Keitaro ran over to his unconscious friend, his worry immediately replacing his annoyance. "What happened???"

"I swear to God, man, it totally wasn't my fault! Bento here's silent-but-deadlies really are silent and deadly!" Behind him, Shi looked upwards, as if asking the kami for patience.

Wishing for the millionth time that Granny Hina hadn't developed cataracts, requiring the marijuana that had led her to form a friendship with those two idiots and subsequently give them permission to hang out at the Tea House, Keitaro picked Mutsumi up and carried her inside, gritting his teeth as Hai called out, "Dude, I totally call dibs on her if she's still warm!"


End file.
